My daily routine is back on track. I am doing things that I need to do and things that I enjoy. Tonight, I spent my time dancing with friends, some old and some new. The not so distant memories of you that plagued me are a pinprick, and I know the wound is healing. But the scar tissue is still there. The seemingly “nice” hello and offer for a drink is met with with criticism and doubt. I want to let go of this protective layer, but in all honesty, I think it may be a better idea to keep it. The idea of letting a stranger in without knowing you are an accompanying party is intimidating to say the least. To find a balance of intrigue, safety, intelligence, morals, and adventure is daunting. But, at least at this moment, I am content to continue dancing with those who are listening to the same drummer.
The nights are getting colder, and as I’ve tucked most of my memories of you away, I’ve wrapped myself, literally, in another. The first gist from you, a cozy rusted orange knitted throw. It’s doesn’t cause my heart to pulse with pain. I guess this is a tick in the healing department. Instead, comforting me and reminding me of the good. The honor of being loved and accepting love in return. But, in my warm cocoon, I am appreciative. I’ve built a good life. Most of the aspects are being built and now consider it a great time to continue on this path of success in these areas. I move forward with the hope that when the time is right, we’ll meet again, in whatever form it may take. Instead of continuing to add straw to the camel’s back, the world is stressful and negative enough, I am letting go. I have big plans and difficult challenges ahead. I am looking forward to it. I’ve come up with a new motto: Stop tallying and balancing your failure, success has more mass.
So it’s come to my attention from a variety of people that they’ve read my blog. This makes me happy, and I hope you enjoy it. But some also have asked if I’m okay. The answer to that question is, yes. The writing I have been doing is a sort of creative writing project for me. It’s based on my interpretation on a spoken word poem from Phil Kaye and Sarah Kay called “When Love Arrives”. You can watch it on youtube by following this link:
I’ve always loved this poem and have watched it many times. It gives me clarity, hope, and realism to what love really is. It’s messy and unexpected. It’s never what or who you thought it would be. But it’s given me the idea that “love” itself is a kind of force. That it doesn’t change in it’s essence, but with every love gained and lost, that force is the same. So this series is me having a one-sided conversation with the force of love. There is truth to each piece, and it is a good release if I am in a particular mood. But these truths are things that I’ve taken from a variety of experiences from my life, not any one particular person or people. But outside of this, life is good.
I hope you continue to read the series, I haven’t planned how long it will be and as I get back into writing on a more regular basis, it will include more of my travels and adventures abroad. I appreciate your concerns and I hope you take a few minutes each to realize that life is good. Love and light. 😀
I feel compelled to write this right at this very moment. As I was laying in bed trying to nap before enjoying my first completed week back work. I am now consciously aware of the truth in the idea of clear stages of grieving. I guess this puts me squarely in the “anger stage”, huh? Oh well, I don’t think the “stages” are as clear cut as one would like to think. It’s more like an interweaving net of conflict. One day accepting, the next sad, and on another a bit of a memory will trigger anger. Which brings me back to the present. Losing the battle to fall asleep when a thought bulldozes through my skull. In less than 4 hours I will reach the two month anniversary of the last time I heard, well read, my favorite phrase. The phrase that had me will to move my life to be with you. Also, doing it in a way that I had hoped would bring the least resentment. I would still have my career that I would so hard, against so many odds, to obtain. Such a short, simple phrase, yet meant so much more than I’ve ever felt before; “I love you, too”. Now, when I picture you, Love, I picture vinyards, pumpkin patches, grape juice, walks in the woods, late night movies turning into caresses. The future spread out before us. But, in addition, it’s clouded in a mist that screams “LIES”! Because it’s the time we must have parted. I’m angry because it’s right. I was right, time really, for you to go. But, I’m left with wondering how many of your “I love you’s” were fact not fiction.
This isn’t necessarily the cheeriest discourse to you, but I feel less full of emotion. So, thanks, for that. 🙂
Until next time I get the urge to write to you.
The first week at work has been busy and it’s been easier to see my daily tasks, day, and life separately from you. I wonder where you are now. Somewhere wandering a different continent? Did you heart crack with Bowie’s death? The memories that one singular man left me with has enriched my life. These can be added to some of the happy parts of my past. I will recollect in the future when I’m blue.
Until we meet again,
I am the holder of a jam packed agenda and yet I am at peace. I am drinking a latte and watching the rain. I am picturing what you’ll look like at our next connection. Tall, fit, soft, and nationality. Do you ever pause in the midst of your day and see the beauty of a rainy day like this? The entirety of nature is in hibernation. Preparing for the rebirth in the spring. And though we don’t have the same luxury, we can take
20 minutes and appreciate that the world is still turning…we woke up. We are not ended in our quest for adventure and meaning in our lives. How beautiful the possibilities are ahead of us. The
things we could still feasibly achieve. I consider your personality. Are you more artsy or intellectual? Political or go with the flow? I am really excited that I have a chance to find out….hopefully 🙂
I’ve played this scene in my head a million times since my divorce, and the epic relationship/love dry spell of Asia.
Since you (Thomas) have made the choice to leave again, it’s replayed 1,000 times more.
Me and Child. This is it. No partner, no more waiting, no more reasons to give up on what I want.
But at what cost?
It plays in my mind’s eye while I am dreaming:
My plans for an IUI work and I am walking in the park, bulging at the seams in my pregnancy with my first child, possibly my only child. I bump into you and the connection never happens. Who knows why? The idea of a child growing takes me off the table? She must be married? The idea that I am pregnant? The idea of getting started loving someone to have a child thrust into the mix? It is a fear. In this parallel universe of a possible future, I would no longer have the autonomy to think solely for myself. But this is the way with parenthood. A love, so strong, yet completely separate from you. A experience I desire, I am willing to risk other forms of love, enjoyment, and freedom (of the young, childless, lifestyle) to have. The clock is ticking….I wonder if you will rejoin me for this wonderful ride of life.