I’ve played this scene in my head a million times since my divorce, and the epic relationship/love dry spell of Asia.
Since you (Thomas) have made the choice to leave again, it’s replayed 1,000 times more.
Me and Child. This is it. No partner, no more waiting, no more reasons to give up on what I want.
But at what cost?
It plays in my mind’s eye while I am dreaming:
My plans for an IUI work and I am walking in the park, bulging at the seams in my pregnancy with my first child, possibly my only child. I bump into you and the connection never happens. Who knows why? The idea of a child growing takes me off the table? She must be married? The idea that I am pregnant? The idea of getting started loving someone to have a child thrust into the mix? It is a fear. In this parallel universe of a possible future, I would no longer have the autonomy to think solely for myself. But this is the way with parenthood. A love, so strong, yet completely separate from you. A experience I desire, I am willing to risk other forms of love, enjoyment, and freedom (of the young, childless, lifestyle) to have. The clock is ticking….I wonder if you will rejoin me for this wonderful ride of life.