I feel compelled to write this right at this very moment. As I was laying in bed trying to nap before enjoying my first completed week back work. I am now consciously aware of the truth in the idea of clear stages of grieving. I guess this puts me squarely in the “anger stage”, huh? Oh well, I don’t think the “stages” are as clear cut as one would like to think. It’s more like an interweaving net of conflict. One day accepting, the next sad, and on another a bit of a memory will trigger anger. Which brings me back to the present. Losing the battle to fall asleep when a thought bulldozes through my skull. In less than 4 hours I will reach the two month anniversary of the last time I heard, well read, my favorite phrase. The phrase that had me will to move my life to be with you. Also, doing it in a way that I had hoped would bring the least resentment. I would still have my career that I would so hard, against so many odds, to obtain. Such a short, simple phrase, yet meant so much more than I’ve ever felt before; “I love you, too”. Now, when I picture you, Love, I picture vinyards, pumpkin patches, grape juice, walks in the woods, late night movies turning into caresses. The future spread out before us. But, in addition, it’s clouded in a mist that screams “LIES”! Because it’s the time we must have parted. I’m angry because it’s right. I was right, time really, for you to go. But, I’m left with wondering how many of your “I love you’s” were fact not fiction.
This isn’t necessarily the cheeriest discourse to you, but I feel less full of emotion. So, thanks, for that. 🙂
Until next time I get the urge to write to you.