Dear Love #11 February 16, 2016

Dear Love,

I’m so curious as to how people see the ripples of their actions. Similarly to the idea of the butterfly effect, you don’t know how your choices today will impact your (and others’) tomorrows. Maybe I feel this way because of the choices I am planning at this moment for the future. I want to be as prepared as possible, not rash. I am comforted that this choice was already a nugget in my brain well before the creation and ultimate demise of my previous relationship. It was a strong consideration then that I shelved for something different, more traditional. Now it’s back, and stronger than ever before. I want to explain that all this tight lipped talk about this “decision” will be cleared up and explained soon. I want my loved ones to understand that I have a decision to make and that I am making it for ME. I am spending time considering my options and that nothing is set in stone. I can be a pretty logical person, at times. I know, it surprises me too! But I am trusting myself and I feel this could be one of the most important and rewarding acts of my life. This cause and effect way of thinking was actually sparked by one of my co-workers. She was worried about me and actually did a random check-in. I hope she knows how much I appreciate that. Picking up the chips after you’ve lost your instruction manual can be a true strength test. Mainly because life does have a button to pause and catch your breath. You shoulder on and pick up what remains, hoping you can somehow remember where they fit. Sure some holes are expected and you will fill them in a little at a time as you re-glue the previous, in the hopes that they can hold together long enough to anchor in the new ones. I think I’ve experienced enough to know how to make a picture out of randomness and I guess the next few years will surely be a testament to that. In a more literal check-in, no more talks have taken place between either of my exes and myself. I’m more at peace with the way things have worked out and I will continue to reflect and adapt. Ultimately, I want them to know that I understand things were a two way street, I hurt and was hurt. However, I always wanted good things for them and myself. I hope that we were all able to learn and grow from our time together. To the friends I have, both near and far, I’m GOOD! I am pushing positive thoughts into existence as much as possible. Check-in with me, I’d love to chat (as always). But I’m no longer suffering and I’m looking forward to bigger and brighter things in the future. Just remember that what you do today influences a lot for tomorrow!

 

But first ROME and IRELAND are on the agenda.

Peace, Love, and Light,

Wendi

 

 

 

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Dear Love #10: A History February 12, 2016

I’ve been taking more trips down memory lane since I got word that my ex almost died. Anyone who knows my story with him knows that our relationship was secretly volatile with every possible destructive force within the walls of our “home”. We had dependency, anger, resentment, secrets, lies, and a myriad of other soul destroying negativities. Many people have asked me over the years why I stayed as long as I did. People view me as a strong person, yet for a long time I was crippled with fears. Fear over being along, fear over how I would survive without the extra income, fear over being a divorce statistic, but I has a bigger fear that haunted me. The fear that my husband would die if I left. Not figuratively, in the “oh I can’t survive without you”. Literally, stone cold death. I can’t count the number of times I had come home from work, school, a conference, or just out on an errand to find him almost comatose covered in sweat and totally unresponsive. Furthermore, planning trips for conferences where a struggle to find balance. Who would be the emergency person to check on him if he wasn’t answering the phone for too long. I would spend time fantasizing about leaving him and being happy on my own, but then that thought would creep inside my skull like a poison. No one would be there to help him if he took too much insulin, or if he didn’t eat. Who would be there if he were trapped inside a low blood sugar combined with a night terror. It never ended. I finally had to accept that this isn’t my responsibility. His life was his to do with as he wishes. Similar to an addict still waiting for his next hit, I couldn’t force him to get help with his issues. But I still cared enough about him that I wanted him to WANT to be healthier. So the fear remained, and for a long while I did too. I comforted my unhappiness by reading, which isn’t a bad thing. But it was creating a fantasy far different from the reality of what I lived in on a daily basis. Slowly, I avoided going home like a plague. What would I find? Would we get into a screaming match? Fast forward to Spring of 2010 and I’d had enough. I decided to file for divorce and the proceeding events left such an putrid after taste that stayed in my mouth for years, tainting many experiences I had with men, even platonically. I resented seeing positive relationships, even as I yearned for my own. Slowly through therapy this feeling began to diminish, but still remained unattached, yet happier than I had been in a long while. I learned what made me happy, what gave me thrills, what I needed, and what I didn’t. The educator in me tells me that this learning process will be everlasting, and I am focusing on embracing this challenge. That it’s okay that I don’t know everything. Since my divorce, I’ve not had much contact. with my ex-husband. Until now. He messaged me with one of my worst nightmares. He almost died, and still could if things don’t turn around for his health. The message he wrote was brief, just that he is on a transplant list for a new kidney because he has stage 5 kidney failure. This has taken me a while to process, and I know I will continue to have mixed emotions for the coming days more than likely. He wanted to speak with me and apologize for the way our marriage ended after being together for over 10 years. When I got the chance to ponder this, I realized I would regret not giving him the time to say what he wanted to, that I would want to give him that peace of mind if something were to happen to him. In the end, the conversation was heartbreaking, scary, and in a way healing, all at the same time. He didn’t only apologize, he thanked me. Thanked me for being a part of his life and for trying to help him. And in return, I was able to more fully forgive him. I don’t know that we can ever be friends. I don’t think I want that in my life, but I can’t deny the importance he once played in my thoughts and plans for the future. Those youthful lovesick days where I thought the sun rose with him. However, I told him how I felt too. How he shaped my opinions on trust and that you need to earn my trust, and how I won’t just give it away for free. How I’ve come to terms with the very likely scenario that I may never get married again, not because I won’t find someone, but because I am not sure how long it will be until I fully settle from my nomadic lifestyle. I even told him that I am planning a baby in the next 2 years. He in turn told me how he spent a month in the hospital after being terribly ill. How his kidney function was deteriorating for years without any doctor noticing. How, although he was trying to curb it, he was gaining weight at a rapid pace. This ‘weight’ ended up being over 50 pounds of fluid that was crushing his internal organs causing him to have an enlarged heart requiring surgery and a future surgery to help repair more of the damage. Now he is on dialysis three times per week and is looking for a new kidney within 18 months. I logically realize there is nothing that I could have done, or can do now, to have foreseen this situation. That we’ve been separated for years and have barely spoken. How he’s been in a solid long-term relationship for over 2 years…..maybe more. But the niggling guilt is still there. I continue to think about my situation with love myself now. I think there will always be a part of me that will be truly in love with Thomas. I am coming to terms with that idea and that this is not necessarily a bad thing. He was the person to show me what love can be like. The work that comes behind the scenes and that its ok to be vulnerable. But I also know that he will not be the last person to help me in this learning, and I am okay with letting my heart grow for more than one person. I want to begin my new project this coming month, since the weather will hopefully be warming up a bit. It involves a lot of talking to strangers…..sorry mom! But I think it will be very beneficial for all involved and I can’t wait to share it~

 

yours,

 

Wendi

Dear Love # 9 February 6, 2016

Dear love,

I hate when nostalgia comes in a kicks you in the ass? Do you ever feel that way? When the wall of your life you’re planning, sweating, working, and taking a physical shape in your life. When all the sacrifice, distance, and lonely nights wrapped in cold sheets seem without a doubt worth it. You get to be together with the person who truly gets you, sees your flaws, accepts them, and still says you’re beautiful. At the end of the road you traveled and you’re weathered, weary, this person is like the hot shower and cup of warm tea made your mama. Then in one sentence ” I don’t see a future with you anymore” comes in as the proverbial wolf. You’re just this little piglet building a house of straw instead of bricks and everything you thought you had built is scattered around you. What is a person to do? In the multitude of possibilities, you get back up, and try to pick up all the pieces. I’m at a job where I am finding my niche, my bestie is back with me, I’m back in the gym (to really commence this week), and plans are forming in my brain for a big decision. Not to be disclosed publicly for the moment. Things are taking shape again, although it’s shabbier and patch-worked at the moment.  They say pictures are worth a thousand words…..well then I have this times over 100. Looking through memories that are truly new as I never looked at them before. See your reflection in that glint in my eye and the adventures we had. It’s not everyday you slip and fall buck naked in a public spa and feel confident enough to look that person in the eye again. 😀 This is nostalgia kicking your ass, as a “take that- POW! right to the kisser” from life. I was just opening up to the idea of being single again. I’ve been on a few dates even. But it isn’t right yet. I can’t let someone in again, at least not at the moment. I am alright with this and ultimately I am good. I want to make this shift in gear on my own. The decisions I am making now WILL impact my future so many unknown ways, and regardless of how battered and stitched my heart and ego may be currently, I need to transform into a warrior. It is time to walk the walk and be selective in who I allow into my bubble of interactions with because the impact will so much more than an awkward date where I am imagining a chin cleft that should be there and it’s not. How this can’t transform my concept of you in my mind because your hair is too different and the accent isn’t the same. So for now I will bring out my bricks and cement, put on my work clothes and bring it! I am giving a shrug to that wolf because if I did the work once, I can do it again. I will be proud of the life I am creating for no one else but myself. I will do this publicly for I am not ashamed to take a stand for me and I will do it with love in my heart for the world. I have a plan in my head to help spread happiness (hopefully) so when that project gets started, I will let people know. But for now, let me just say, that I love you still and YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Beautiful in so many delightful ways and you must begin to find the truth in statement. There is beauty in the perfect, the slightly worn, the discarded, and the forgotten. You just need the filters that allow you to see it.

 

from the Hunter,

 

Artemis