Acceptance 

Acceptance? Maybe. At least acknowledgement. So I’ve been pondering my hip problem and  all the repercussions for a bit now. I’ve been floundering in a sea of misinformation and advice from such caring and knowledgeable friends, but to say I am overloaded is a drastic understatement! Stress has been through the roof and each appointment has brought more worries and things I need to think about. Canes? Being judged by people and how in Albania I need a crutch to avoid not only the broken sidewalks, but stares. This is what has been told to me, but I could see it happening in many places. I’m 31 and I’ve been focused on achieving my health goals for about 5 or 6 years now. I started as a morbidly obese girl in her mid twenties who ate whatever greasy or sugary thing I could get my hands on with little fresh food. That is until I moved abroad and changed everything. I am a pretty good cook and have a good relationship with my food now. I enjoy baking and am trying to get most processed food out of my diet and am back to a meat free diet. I quickly fell into being active as well. Starting with walking around China, joining a gym, and playing badminton. I fell in love with weightlifting, the feeling of being powerful and watching the progress. The pounds began to melt off and my energy skyrocketed. I continued in Taiwan and even added distance running on a treadmill, because I fell if I was outside and not on a smooth track. Knowing that I’ve been on uneven legs helps explain some of the extra clumsiness. I added in river tracing a bit, a sprinkle of rock climbing, and long hikes and I felt I was reaching towards such a great and active life. I hit a plateau in the middle of my second year, and knowing I was moving to Turkey I decided to hire a personal trainer to help me learn some new techniques in order to continue losing the extra weight. This was the first time I was told my left side is shorter and how I squat incorrectly. He was worried that I may injure myself and we taped the ground to prevent that, but only ever experiencing calf strain I never thought to see an orthopedic, I just figured I taught myself the movement wrong from fitness videos. I continued and although I had to take a break in Turkey for many reasons, I didn’t have a huge backslide in gaining weight. But I was determined to get back to it the right way in Albania. Finding a good trainer was difficult, but I found one and he knew about my unevenness and I began. Breaking up with Thomas was very hard on me, and to add another blow I was in pain. Sitting hurt, sharp pains began to radiate through my leg. This was the beginning of the journey of physio, a relaxation of pain, back to exercise lightly in aerobics and the pain returned tenfold with added excruciating pain when I rotated my hip outwards. The muscles were extremely tight and I knew I needed to go back to physio. But the hope that I could heal this completely was still there. I mean, I’m getting healthier and stronger. Plus I am not scared to work hard, so I’ll do the plan physio gives me. The fact that I know now that I pretty much have a destroyed ball in my left hip, I’m not sure what to think. I’m looking at constantly moderating my pain. Learning how to stay active yet protect the cartilage that I have left. It is impacting my ability to run, do the high impact activities that I love, and even limits my dancing. But more than all of this, it is making me really think about something I’ve been wanting to do for a while. After I got divorced, I was super insecure and not very trusting, especially with men. The idea of opening myself to another relationship was laughable and stressful. But I was happy to be single, to learn about me and how to care for myself. Something I always put on the back burner for others in my life.  But I want a family. This planted the seed that if I didn’t meet someone while I was still able to have children, I would look into getting a donor to get pregnant. But it was fleeting and I was so young. At 32 almost, the reality that I may want to do this and understanding all the implications this has with my travel and that I am single. I’m okay with this, and I have been working to save money and get more prepared for this big step. Now I have learned that pregnancy will cause me a lot of pain due to the extra weight bearing on my hip and pelvis. Also, with the hip deformity I will have to have a c-section. These decisions individually may seem like not so big, but this is really changing my views of my reality. I need to get really positive again. But I am also facing the fact that I will be doing my rehab without real professional assistance. I don’t have access here to a really qualified physical therapist that can devise a program to help. My insurance won’t allow me to see a doctor out of Albania. I’ve been told that when my limp (which is somewhat visible now) appears, it will be helpful to use a cane, especially on stairs, in order to relief strain on my left side. I am wearing the insole to balance my pelvis, which similarly to braces moving your teeth, moves my muscles back into proper position. This makes me ache every night after walking all day. I’m trying to accept it, but it is rough. Im glad I started my health journey when I did, or the possibility that I would have used this as an excuse is scary. The question remains, what will this mean for my plans? Where do I go from here? Will I finally get where I can simply focus on being happy? 
So I may not being reaching out so much, but I would love to hear from you. 

Love and light

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